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A Rough Night....

As I was leaving work this evening, one of my very best friends text me to let me know that the end was near for her grandmother. I began sobbing....I could not even try to stop the tears. I couldn't believe all the memories that came flooding back. I felt so sad for her, I know that pain all to well, I was there almost 10 years ago, but it feels like yesterday.

I can't keep the tears away as I type...I miss her. I miss my talks with her, I miss the way she used to rub her hand down my back when I would walk past her while she was playing cards at her kitchen table. I miss picking up the phone to call her when all else in the world was wrong, just so she could make it all right again. I miss her laugh, I miss her smell....I just MISS her.

When she got sick I was there, I was at that hospital every day or night. I would stop by on my way home from class, and even though visiting hours were over, the nurses would let me sit with her for a few minutes. I would hold her hand and tell her how very much I loved her, or sometimes I would just sit and watch her sleep. I was an emotional train wreck...kindda like I seem to be at this very moment.

A part of me will always be a slight bit angry, she chose to smoke, she chose to continue smoking, so in a way she chose to die. She took so much from my life. She wasn't there on my wedding day, she wasn't there to see my nephew or my very own daughter come into this world. However in my heart I have forgiven her, I know she is watching out for us, and I know that she indeed was with us on those special occasions that I always hoped she would be.

I learned a lot form the loss of my grandma, I chose to shut down. I shut everyone else in my life out but her. I hurt people in the process of my grieving. It was almost like I was pushing away anyone and everyone that cared about me or vice versa because I couldn't stand the pain, I wasn't able to handle the heart ache. I pay for my actions everyday, and lost a lot because of the way I chose to handle her illness/death. I can never take it back, all I can do is learn from my mistakes, and remind myself that just because I am in soooo much pain, it does not give me the right to inflict it upon others. So to all of you out there that were there during my shut down phase...I am sorry. To all of you that I lost....I will forever have a piece of me missing.

Most of all to you Grandma.....I MISS YOU, and I LOVE YOU!!

Comments

Rubydotlarue said…
Candie,
It's never easy to lose a loved on especially when we are so close to them. Everyone mourns in a different way. You shouldn't have to feel sorry or apologize to anyone. You did what you needed to do. I love you.
Roy
October 16, 2009 at 11:34 AM
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